Have you ever caught yourself using labels for your kids? Like when you’re having a conversation and all the sudden you say, “Yeah, he only likes pizza or grilled cheese. He’s such a picky eater,” or “She’s having trouble with others at school. She’s the bossy one.” I’m totally guilty of this. We do it without even thinking, really. It’s such a common practice but what we don’t realize is that we’re unintentionally labelling our kids and it does more harm than good.
The bully, the bossy one, the difficult one.
I’ve said it repeatedly in conversations with my mom or whoever I’ve talked to about my struggles with Sami, “He’s the tough one.”
I’ve gotten so much value out of the Positive Parenting Solutions system with Amy McCready. She sheds light on how we unintentionally place labels on our kids and this pressures them to live up to those labels, good or bad. Even what we view as positive labels like, the athletic one or the smart one, puts pressure on them to live up to those names, “I’m the smart one so I have to ace this test!”
“I’m the bad one? I’ll show you bad!” It’s a hard truth I’ve discovered. I realized I was having more negative interactions with Sami than positive ones, constantly nagging him, harping on him when he made a mistake, making him feel guilty, “Why are you such a bully?!”
It’s so easy as parents to get caught up in what’s going wrong, focusing on the negative, that we forget about everything that’s going right. We forget about the progress and worry more about the setbacks. We dwell on the mistakes instead of helping them make better choices next time.
It always takes me a while to come around to things, but I always say, better late than never. Makes me think of Sansa Stark in Game of Thrones, “I’m a slow learner…it’s true. But I learn.” God I miss that show!
But I digress. I still make a lot of mistakes. But I’m trying. I know that I want a different kind of relationship with Sami, a better one, a more encouraging one. And I know losing the labels and judgements I’ve placed on him will help strengthen our bond. Because he’s really such a great kid! He WANTS to do well. He thrives on love and encouragement especially from me. I notice when I get down and disappointed from his behavior, he gets down. He feels like a bad kid and like all of the good he’s done has been undone from one bad decision. And I don’t want him to feel that way. I think about the long run, when he’s older, how will he remember me when he was little?
Another awesome parenting resource is a podcast called, Good Inside with Dr. Becky. She’s awesome! I’ve had so many lightbulb moments listening to her. In one episode, she interviews Dr. Dick Schwartz and what he said really hit home for me, “The more you can accept all the different parts of your kid, the more they’ll be able to accept them.” Super insightful, right? It’s kind of like relieving yourself and your kid of burdens when you really learn to just accept them for who they are. Think about all of the judgements we place on ourselves. When you finally let go of the criticism and accept who you are, you feel empowered. You’re free. And now you can finally get to know yourself and work with the talents you have.
I remember I would constantly torture myself with questions that would lead me nowhere, “Why is he like this? Why is everything so hard? Why is he so emotional?” After I realized I needed to accept him and fully embrace who he is, then I could actually work at finding solutions for the challenges, like using a checklist and timer in the morning before school (check out that post if you haven’t yet!), going along with his suggestions and praising his efforts instead of resisting and criticizing. I haven’t mastered it yet, but we’ve come a long way. I’m so proud of the progress we’ve made and know that it will only get better the more I keep my emotions in check and stay optimistic.
Recognizing and encouraging our kids’ strengths will only benefit them in the long run. For me it doesn’t come naturally and I’ve stopped beating myself up over that. Instead, I consciously make an effort to point out something positive that I see in Sami and Lilly each day, “Wow, I love that picture. You have a great imagination!” “I heard you tell the neighbors to have a good night. That was so kind of you.” More praise, less disapproval. Don’t get me wrong, when they make wrong choices, I let them know, but I don’t shame them and dissolve all the good things about them in the process. They need my support and encouragement. Even adults need those things. Without it, why bother? Positive interactions. It makes all the difference. I’ve been on both sides now and I know that celebrating small wins, in my kids lives and in my own, is the key to happiness. One small step, no matter how small, will still lead you in the right direction.
