For a long time, I was on autopilot. I was going through the motions each day, trying to “get through it.” I always focused on what was wrong and barely paid attention to the good all around me. There was always a problem, whether it was Sami’s development and the countless worries as a first time parent, or not being comfortable in my post-baby body, or feeling like there was more to me than just being a mom but having no clue what to do about it.

I was my own worst enemy. My toxic self-talk was consuming, exhausting, and instead of trying to change it, I would disassociate. I’d mindlessly watch tv, binge on sweets, wait on the kids hand and foot, shop, whatever I could do to distract myself, that’s what I did…for years. And if I’m being totally honest, that’s what I did before having kids too.

I was completely withdrawn and my connections with the people closest to me were totally surface-level. I couldn’t be genuine when I had no idea who I was in the first place. I had gotten so far away from myself that I feared I might never find her again.

All I knew was that I didn’t want this. I wanted happiness and I wanted to feel engaged in life, like I was actively taking part in it instead of just watching it pass me by.

So a few months ago at the age of 37, I finally woke up. It may sound crazy, but I feel like a curse was lifted. And I was only able to lift that curse after realizing that I had been under it for so long.

The countless distractions I mentioned are things we’re all guilty of. Mindlessly scrolling social media and wasting hours of our precious time. What we don’t realize is that we’re completely missing out on our lives.

We’re consuming, but not creating. We’re watching, but not taking part. We’re spectators when in reality, we need to be in the ring, trying.

I couldn’t live like that anymore.

I wasn’t the mom that I wanted to be. Not even close. Or the wife. Or the sister. Or daughter.

So I drew a line in the sand. I made a choice. I knew there was another way. There had to be.

I wanted to stop numbing myself and start feeling, experiencing, taking action. And over the past few months that’s what I’ve started doing.

It’s not an easy journey and some days that part of me wants to go back to how it was, where it was “safe.” But that wasn’t living.

Now, I’m actively taking part in life. These are the steps I took:

I started to observe and notice the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I told my mind to focus on a win. I started changing my internal dialogue to a kinder and more positive voice instead of discouraging and unhelpful. So instead of “God, you look like a mess,” I’d change it to “You’re beautiful.”

I started journaling. As hard as it is to start, once you do, you keep going. It’s such a good way to brain dump and get your thoughts and feelings out.

I went to therapy.

I signed up with Squarespace and started my blog.

I signed up on Medium to further develop my skills, connect with other writers and read inspiring content.

I started listening to self-development podcasts. They’ve become an obsession! Through these podcasts, I slowly started to change my thought patterns and challenge them.

I signed up for Pure Barre and look forward to it every week.

Most recently, I signed up for Marie Forleo’s program, The Copy Cure. It was scary as hell to invest so much money in myself and there have been days where I wanted to quit.

But I know better. I know this is a process and could take a very long time, longer than I’d like. But it’ll be worth it. It’s about taking action. And in taking action, you can change everything.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I want to keep going. I have to. Because I know it will benefit not only me but those I love most.

There are possibilities out there, opportunities. But there’s no way to access them unless I keep at it. Playing small is no longer an option.

I thank God I don’t give into those voices anymore. I thank God that I’ve finally realized that I’m worth it, that I’m a good person and I deserve happiness. We all do.

You most certainly do.

Acknowledge it. Acknowledge yourself.

It’s time to wake up to your life.

I’m so glad I did.